If you were an eighties gamer then the mention of the very name “Defender of the Crown” will probably send nostalgic shivers down your spine. This Commodore 64 classic (later ported to the Amiga) was one of the games we kept on returning to, over and over again, with its enticing mix of strategic conquest and medieval mini-games. When news of a contemporary remake reached our ears, we hauled in a review copy quicker than you can say “prithee.”

And upon loading it up, we were hugely disappointed in the game quicker than you can say “thou.” We really, really wanted to like the new version of Defender of the Crown, but this proved a completely impossible task. Why? Well, the short answer is that it's bloody awful. In more ways than one.

Firstly there's the aesthetics. By today's standards the graphics are extremely crude, not to mention abysmally animated. In fact it looks almost exactly the same as it did on the old Commodore (if our 64KB of memory serves us correctly).

As for the gameplay, incredibly, it's also exactly the same. For those not familiar with it, the idea is you play the part of a medieval Lord, vying for the English crown against five computer-controlled opponents. Capturing counties gains you tax revenue which can be used to buy more soldiers, bowmen and catapults, to conquer more territory and eventually wipe out the enemy.

The strategy mechanics are very basic: when two armies meet the battle is played out with a poorly animated sequence in which the superior numbers always win. This was fine back in the eighties, but we've moved on light years since. The one interesting new addition that's been implemented is a deck of battle cards. These can be collected and played to influence the outcome of a clash, adding a slight element of tactics.

What really stings is that certain elements of Defender of the Crown have gone backwards, namely the mini-games. As a Lord, you can challenge your opponents to a joust or archery contest in order to win fame (which improves your army's mobility) or territories. These mini-games are just as they were on the Commodore 64 and again they've aged really badly; the only telling difference is that now the controls are completely naff.

For instance, the mouse control for the archery event is horrendous - it's nigh on impossible to aim given the jerky scrolling of the crosshair, and to top it off, sometimes when you press the mouse button to fire, the click doesn't register. Robin Hood might well be able to hit a bullseye blindfolded, but we'd like to see him repeat the trick in Defender of the Crown. We don't remember it being like this on the C64.

So, basically, what we have here is the exact same game as the original Cinemaware C64 version, with some very minor tweaks and some freshly broken mechanics in the mini-games. Remaking this classic was a golden opportunity that the developer has totally squandered. Heroes might live forever, but flawed and barely repackaged twenty-year-old games most certainly don't.

The phrase “avoid like the plague” has never been more appropriate. You might as well download an emulator and the original game for free, as there's barely any difference here except the money you're forking out.